Thursday, February 26, 2015
Nosy folks often ask if my wife and I ever fight. We don’t argue or yell; we may disagree from time to time and being that we’re both stubborn, spend an hour or two in our separate corners. However, we both realize that we didn’t get married to waste minutes with petty arguments or overblown fights, so those moments are far and few between. But, they happen.
We’re adults. We can take the time to blow off some steam and discuss what the issue is or was, or even just let it blow by, because usually it’s just me overreacting. When you really sit down to look at life, you realize that New Year’s Eve seems like it was last week and Valentine’s Day yesterday, so time is going much too fast to spend angry, upset or forgetting how to smile. When I say I’m sorry, I really mean it, because I don’t like not kissing my wife before she goes to bed or sleeping without her encroaching on my side of the bed. That’s what you miss when you’re in the throes of a fight, the little things.
Pretty soon those little things become dinner for one and nights on the couch, while those moments that were few and far between, become the way of life. We’ve all seen it and I don’t think any of us want that, but the choices we make don’t necessarily call for anything different. I don’t know about you, but I’ve had my share of days of unhappiness and loneliness and I don't want to spend any more time on the wrong side of right. So baby, I’m sorry for things I haven’t said yet and attitudes beyond our sight; I don’t want to waste any more time that could be used loving you.
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
My husband and I have quite the unexpected love story. We
were both married previously and my experience wasn’t exactly the best. I
married the summer after my sophomore year in college at the naive age of nineteen
and marriage was great for the first seven years. However, our marriage
suffered the strain of our military service and a cycle of infidelity.
After thirteen years of pouring and praying that my marriage would be saved by my faith alone, I decided that I had enough and filed for divorce. This was after the birth of my second son, but I decided that I would rather be single and celibate, raising my boys without the thought of remarriage.
However, God had other plans! I met my “husboofriend” literally three weeks after I left my husband and he waited for me. My children fell in love with him first, since he was the complete opposite of what I would typically be physically attracted to. But, it didn't take long at all for his kind heart and selflessness to win me.
After thirteen years of pouring and praying that my marriage would be saved by my faith alone, I decided that I had enough and filed for divorce. This was after the birth of my second son, but I decided that I would rather be single and celibate, raising my boys without the thought of remarriage.
However, God had other plans! I met my “husboofriend” literally three weeks after I left my husband and he waited for me. My children fell in love with him first, since he was the complete opposite of what I would typically be physically attracted to. But, it didn't take long at all for his kind heart and selflessness to win me.
He spent seventeen years in his first marriage and I’m certain he was perfectly
happy with raising his two sons. So, neither of us was expecting to fall in
love; we weren’t looking, but a mutual friend played cupid and we won. No, we
are winning! I am his and he is mine, forevermore!
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Let’s get one thing straight from the jump, sex is an
important and healthy part of a successful marriage. The truth is, you should
make sex a priority, I’m not saying schedule it in to your planner, that will
make it feel more like a duty or responsibility and by no means should having
sex be on the same level as taking out the trash.
However, you do need to satisfy one another; through acts of
spontaneity, getaways and martial intimacy escapades.
Things to remember:
- Don’t forget to talk about what you enjoy sexually. Communication will help strengthen your experience.
- There is no set number of times to have sex. It doesn't matter whether you’re having sex four times a week or four times a month; what is important is that both of you are happy.
- Lastly, marital intimacy is important even outside of the bedroom. Hold hands, kiss and just enjoy each other’s touch.
·
Over last few year I have met some pretty awesome people in
couples’ counseling. Usually the issues
that bring them to me have less to do with loss of love and more to do with a
lack of healthy communication. I am
convinced that the individual work it takes to help develop those skills is a
lot less emotionally expensive than the reality of divorce. I am happy to say that most of couples that I
have worked with, when both parties are truly committed, were able to quickly
learn lessons that would help them develop and grow a healthier relationship. For
this reason, I decided to share and I hope others can benefit from the top five
communication tips I usually give out in my couples’ counseling sessions.
- Stop with the complaint that your partner does not understand your needs. Instead of complaining, ask for what you want in concrete, clear and measurable terms. In counseling, my goal is to help people see that many times they are treating their partners like “mind readers.” So, the work requires that both individuals need to ask their partner to do some things that would change their current dynamic. This will help each feel better about being heard and understood in the relationship. For example, if your husband asked you to stop throwing things during an argument, you need to hear him being honest about the escalating anger, making it difficult to have a real conversation with you; without violence. Remember each partner deserves to be listened to and have their feelings respected.
- Remember the rules of engagement for healthy communication; be kind, use “I” statements and it’s not about being right, but doing what is right for your marriage. Start by softening your words and raise issues calmly. When couples start off with anger it’s almost impossible to return to relative calm. For example, if we think of your communication as a bell curve where we start calm, tempers may escalate, but are more likely to come back down to the initial tone; calm. This approach can help eliminate having contempt and feelings of personal attacks.
- Always complete what you’re attempting to communicate. Truth be told, you have to get to a resolution that you both can handle, even through difficulty. If not, I can promise you this much; you will be having the same argument ten years after the first time the issue was not dealt with. Like it or not, you must keep talking. That’s the only way to make progress. One of the assignments I give during counseling is picking a disagreement that has gotten you into therapy and having a full conversation. Yes, it sounds simple, but when hurt develops in a relationship, having direct conversations are a struggle. For example, take a Friday night and sit down to a full conversation. *Don’t forget the rules of engagement from tip two.
- This is a continuation of tips two and three because the reality is that communication is a continuum; learn to exit the argument without losing or abusing one another. Successful partners know how to leave an argument. Learn to mend the situation before an argument gets completely out of hand and things are taken personal. Some possible suggestions in this area are: changing the topic to something completely off-subject; using laughter; helping partner with a caring statement. For example, a statement like, "I understand that this is difficult for you” or “don’t worry, this is our problem and we are in this together.” Never be afraid to offer real gratitude and signs of appreciation for each other. Finally, if an argument gets too intense, take a break, and agree to come back to the topic when all are calm; remember this does not mean leave the discussion unfinished.
- Lastly, celebrate the good about your relationship out loud! Many partners will spend more time complaining about one another, but never mention what makes them great. For every bad, there are probably a million good things being overlooked because someone’s feeling are hurt. Create high standards on how you show gratitude. Plainly speaking, focus on the bright side; this will help you build a healthy emotional storage. I once read that most happy couples have a 5 to 1 ratio of positive statements to not-so-positive. So start being positive “out loud” now.
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